9 Tips to Quit Nagging.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 9 tips to quit nagging.

From what I hear from other people, it’s clear that I’m not the only person who struggles with nagging. It turns out that being a nag is just as unpleasant as being nagged — so finding strategies to stop nagging brings a real happiness boost to a relationship.

But even though no one enjoys an atmosphere of nagging, in marriage or any partnership, chores are a huge source of conflict. How do you get your sweetheart to hold up his or her end, without nagging?

One of my best friends from college has a very radical solution: she and her husband don’t assign. That’s right. They never say, “Get me a diaper,” “The trash needs to go out,” etc. This only works because neither one of them is a slacker, but still — what a tactic! And they have three children!

That’s something to strive for. But even if we can’t reach that point, most of us could cut back on the nagging. Here are some strategies that have worked for me:

1. Don’t insist that a task be done on your schedule. “You’ve got to get those boxes into storage today!” Says who? Try, “When are you planning to deal with the boxes?” If possible, show why something needs to be done by a certain time. “Will you be able to get the boxes out of the hall before your family comes over next week?”

2. Remind your partner that it’s better to decline a task than to break a promise. My husband told me that he’d emailed some friends to tell them we had to miss their dinner party to go to a family dinner—but he hadn’t. Then I had to cancel at the last minute, it was incredibly rude, and I was enraged. Now I tell him, “You don’t have to do it. But tell me, so I can it.”

3. Every once in a while, do your sweetheart’s task, for a treat. This kind of pitching-in wins enormous goodwill.

4. Assign chores based on personal priorities. I hate a messy bedroom more than my husband, but he hates a messy kitchen more than I. So I do more tidying in the bedroom, and he does more in the kitchen. My husband thought our older daughter needed a spring jacket, but I didn’t. He asked me a few times when we were going to pick one up, and I said, “I don’t really think she needs a jacket, so I’m not planning to do that.”

5. Settle for a partial victory. Maybe your partner won’t put dishes in the dishwasher, but getting them from the family room into the sink is a big improvement. My husband used never to return my emails. Now he sometimes returns my emails. That’s progress.

6. Re-frame: decide that you don’t mind doing a chore — like putting clothes in the hamper or hanging up wet towels. Surprisingly, this is easier than you’d think. I used to think, “I don’t like making the bed.” Then I realized, “Actually, I like making the bed.”

7. No carping from the sidelines. If your partner got the kids dressed, don’t criticize the outfits. If you want something done your way, do it yourself.

8. Think about how money might be able to buy some happiness. Could you find a teenager to mow the lawn? Could you hire a weekly cleaning service? Could you buy prepared foods a few nights a week? These days, money is very tight, but eliminating conflict in a relationship is a high happiness priority, so this is a place to spend money if you can, and if it can help.

9. Most helpful: Do a task yourself. I used to be annoyed with my husband because we never had cash in the house. Then I realized: why did I get to assign that job? Now I do it, and we always have cash, and I’m not annoyed.

Any other ideas about how to avoid nagging? What have I missed? If you want suggestions about how to stop being nagged, here are 8 tips to stop the nagging.

Also, sometimes one person is absolutely oblivious for the need for chores to be done. That person just doesn’t notice, and doesn’t care. In that case, it’s hard to know what to do. I have it easy, because if anything, my husband is more chore-oriented than I am. I’m a naggee as well as a nagger. If that’s your situation — what do you do? What advice to do you offer?

* Is your book group reading The Happiness Project? (I know a lot of groups were waiting for the paperback release.) I’ve prepared a one-page discussion guide for book groups, as well as a guide tailored for church groups, prayer circles, spirituality book groups, and the like. If you’d like either discussion guide (or both), email me at gretchenrubin1 at gmail dot com. (Don’t forget the “1.”)

  • khs

    My husband and I are both chore-doers as well. As luck would have it, we focus on very different things–which means I take care of the stuff I care about and vice versa. Now I don’t bug him about folding laundry and he doens’t bug me about putting it away–we both just do our bit and call it a day.

  • Linda

    I assume you mean QUIT nagging (my own personal nag – sorry about that).

    My husband tends to leave trash wherever he is. Open the package, leave the packaging right there. I am trying to change some of that, which means I have small wastebaskets or bags everyplace, so it’s easy to put the trash in it as opposed to leaving it where it is.

    • gretchenrubin

      arrrgh! fixed! thanks for letting me know!

  • http://www.faithpermeatinglife.com Jessica @ FaithPermeatingLife

    This post resonated for me on a lot of levels! I actually gave up nagging my husband for Lent, believe it or not. And I wrote a long post about #7 ( http://keepbabbling.blogspot.com/2011/03/balancing-companionship-and-autonomy-or.html ), about why I’m so happy my husband does the dishes that I try to never tell him how to do them, even if I think I would do a better job.

    #2 is a conversation I have had with my husband many times–I would MUCH prefer he tell me upfront he doesn’t want to do something than promise to do and put it off indefinitely.

    Because I’ve not only avoided nagging my husband for the past month but told him I was going to do so, he has stepped up a lot and become way more proactive about getting things done. So you’re right, it has had a big effect on my happiness, because it’s a lot nicer to have things done without having to ask than for them to be done BECAUSE I asked!

  • http://profiles.google.com/gaidigt Gaidig Traon

    I used to live with roommates who had a higher tolerance for mess than I did. Once I realized that it made me happier to simply do the chores myself and have a cleaner house, a huge change occurred. Plus, the more I was doing it, the more they did, too.
    Also, another way to think of reframing: I still don’t like the process of washing dishes, but I love walking into a clean kitchen with an empty sink and clear counters. So I do this thing I don’t particularly like as a gift to my future self. A few minutes work gives happiness every time I walk into the kitchen for hours, and it makes the next time I do it easier, too.

  • Penny Schmitt

    In the aftermath of my marriage, I found myself being enragingly nagged by my ex to do chores–which in passive-aggressive hostility, I often ignored. Since these details often had to do with the children, it was a very bad scene. It was THEIR Sunday clothes he’d keep demining I bring over, and I’d keep ‘forgetting’ to take. A wise therapist taught me this response: “Ok, I’ll bring the clothes (or whatever) as you asked this time, but if you ask me again I WILL NOT BRING THEM.” And then I was on my honor to get the job done and not force the contest to escalate. I only had to try that once or twice. It took both of us very much wanting not to have an unpleasant scene to accomplish this of course. Don’t know how well that would work in a theoretically ‘functioning’ relationship.

    • TracyW

      I’m glad you found a method that worked, but I don’t understand how it works. Do either of you never just simply forget stuff? Could you just explain a bit more?

      When I take my laptop home from work, I put a reminder in my cellphone for the next morning to bring it back with me.

      • Penny Schmitt

        I think this was largely an adoption of that post up above . . . I decided to become ‘un-naggable’ by making a particular point to comply with my ex’s (reasonable) requests fairly promptly. And he knew that I was serious about NOT responding if he kept prodding. The Mom in the above post obviously has an affectionate relationship with her son and made him the entirely reasonable and relationship enhancing request to become un-naggable. I love that one.

        • TracyW

          Thank you! That seems sensible, and so impressive that the two of you could work that out in such a difficult situation.

        • Sue

          that’s what i was thinking, will not work for my daughter who is extremely hostile to ANY request (clinically depressed? ADD? probably.) . but will give “make yourself unnaggable” a try. basically it sounds like it’s spelling out responsibilities. once we know what is expected, we can do it and THEN relax and quit getting bugged.

    • gretchenrubin

      Interesting solution!

  • http://gratefulandwell.com Gratefulandwell

    Some great suggestions!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Trinity-Rivers/100002027393529 Trinity Rivers

    Great ideas. Especially the one about trading tasks. My husband could care less about a tidy bedroom, but hates a dirty kitchen. Vice versa for me. I wouldn’t care if the kitchen fell off the house, but I love my comfy bedroom retreat.

  • http://www.literalmom.com Missy

    We used to have “boy jobs” and “girl jobs” here. Boy jobs were things like, emptying garbage, paying the pizza guy, taking the dog out for the final “potty” of the night, dishes. Girl jobs were grocery, laundry, dinner making, making the bed.

    Then we found that when one of us didn’t do our “job” the other would get mad and ended up eliminating that plan.

    We don’t really have a plan now, and I just try to follow my mother’s advice, which is, “he can’t read your mind. If you need something, ask for help. Nicely.”

    It works, for the most part.

    • Joannewszolek

      OMG really it’s 2011 what if you have all girls? 

  • Marinda S.

    Before a trip, I like the car checked, filled with gas and money gotten from the ATM. Hubby could care less. So now, the day before a trip, I get the car check, gassed up, and get money out of the bank. When we leave for a journey, we LEAVE. We don’t run errands, we go. It’s how I like it and if it makes me happy, then thats how I handle it. Hubby seems to enjoy it now that way too. With kids or dog in the car, it makes everyone happy.

    I don’t do yard work. If he doesn’t do it, it doesn’t get done. You should see the flower beds, they look like hell. He’ll get to them, sooner or later.

  • LivewithFlair

    The best advice I ever received about marriage and nagging was to encourage my husband in the very area that I was tempted to nag him in. I compliment him and affirm him and make him feel successful in the tasks assigned to him. Nagging never works. It just doesn’t. Encouragement does! http://www.livewithflair.blogspot.com

  • BergiePowers

    Very helpful suggestions!

  • http://www.new-era-hats.net/Red-bull-hat_128.html red bull hats

    Great ideas. Especially the one about trading tasks. My husband could care less about a tidy bedroom, but hates a dirty kitchen. Vice versa for me. I wouldn’t care if the kitchen fell off the house, but I love my comfy bedroom retreat.

  • Val

    I have a kid who hated being nagged. Grrr, but he never took care of his responsibilities! He was a very pleasant person, but a serious slacker.

    One night I was yelling (yeah, i know,) and he was defensively making excuses, and I said, “How about you make yourself un-naggable? You think this is fun for me? I have my own responsibilities already!”

    He got it. He’s made himself un-naggable. He does his math. He confronts his room when it’s getting bad. He checks in with is dog ( a dang NEWFOUNDLAND) for food and water, occasionally cleans up in the back yard if he has to.

    Whew. Hallelujah. I have no interest in being an enforcer. I just want him to get educated, and his room not to be a biohazard, and some help with that fine animal. love, Val

    • Karen

      Oh my gosh – I LOVE that! “How about you make yourself un-naggable?” I especially love making up a word. It just is more memorable, showing your frustration but also that you still retain your sense of humor. I’d love to try it on hubby, but I sense a backfire there… Sure will try it on my son, though.

  • Kathy

    Good post! My husband is very good at assigning me tasks that I don’t really want to do or have plans to do. Lately, when he’s done that, like suggesting that I vacuum out a particular closet (no one but us sees the inside of that closet – who cares if there are dust bunnies in there?), I just tell him “That’s not on my list of priorities,” so that he knows I’m not going to get to it. Then, he’s more apt to do it. He’s happy; I’m happy; the closet is cleaned. Or not….

  • Katie D

    Whenever I asked my first husband to do anything, he would respond by saying “nag, nag, nag” even though it was the first time I had asked him. I was young and easily intimidated and certainly didn’t want to be considered a nag so I stopped asking him to do anything. That worked great for him. He used to boast that he had never changed a dirty diaper for either of our kids. The marriage only lasted six years.

    • gretchenrubin

      That’s an excellent question: what do you do with a partner who wants to do
      NOTHING? Who just won’t buckle, who doesn’t care? Or, like a friend of mine,
      simply doesn’t see that anything needs to be done — will walk right over an
      unpacked suitcase for three months without noticing it. Not trying to shirk,
      simply NOT SEEING it.

      My strategies work for me, I know, because my husband and I are both
      reasonably fair and have the same idea about what needs to get done (more or
      less). But how does a person handle a situation like yours, when one partner
      wants to disclaim all responsibility?

      That’s very, very tough.

      Anyone have any suggestions?

      • James

        Well, he’s being a bully. It’s not clear, if he was called on it, whether he would moderate or escalate.

        The other option is the one described in ‘the taming of the shrew’, but I wouldn’t have the strength to do it.

      • Mary Jane

        Well, to start with, choose and train better. marriage is not about having the day of ones life with the dress to match it, it is made of all the little things that make things run smoothly through a lifetime.

        in my experience people from secure backgrounds have happier marriages;they have seen and understood what works and just simplpy do it. that does not mean that persons from dysfunctional bacgrounds are lost cases.

        but they might need help on relationship matters.

        and that is where you come in, Gretchen…

        thank you for doing this!

      • Pauline

        Two thoughts on this: 1) If the “nagger” doesn’t have the self-confidence to stand up to the “intimidator”, then there will be no viable solution. With more self-confidence, the nagger could either “call out” the intimidator and ask legitimately for what is wanted (without nagging) or use humor to deflect the situation. For instance saying “Yep, it’s nag, nag, nag all right and you’d better hop to it before I have to call your mother to nag you some more!”
        2) If it’s not an issue of self-confidence, then a real discussion about priorities, needs, and desires can take place. If the offending party still doesn’t want to take on any responsibilities, then the “nagger” will need to make a decision about whether it’s worth continuing the relationship since the “slacker” obviously doesn’t prioritize the nagger’s needs and is not willing to be a true partner or team member.

      • Marlene

        That is the situation I’m in! My boyfriend of 3.5 years is a darling–the best guy I’ve ever met really. But I like things CLEAN and he doesn’t SEE mess. I don’t hold him to my standard of cleanliness, I try to avoid nagging, I pick a few things that are my real pet peeves (eg, laundry on the floor)–but even with the best of his intentions he can only keep up his share for about a week before he forgets and we have to repeat the cycle of me BEGGING him to participate. He doesn’t want me to be his housewife, he wants to help me, but he just doesn’t stick with it. Plus, I feel like part of the problem is that he “wants to help ME”. I would prefer it if we were a united front, cleaning the home together for our combined enjoyment, him identifying problem areas as much as me or deciding without my telling him to that the floors need to be vacuumed. Admittedly, I can’t (and wouldn’t try) to force him to want a clean home just because I do–but it is incredibly important to me and I just can’t drop it, nor can I do everything myself. Every few weeks it boils over, I yell at him, and he apologizes, at which point I tell him I don’t want him to be sorry, I just want him to help me more and consistently. We have tried chore lists, have tried taking turns, tried an obligatory nightly 15-minute clean-up–nothing sticks with him! What can I do?

        • KB

          Marlene..have you ever heard of http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

          ???

  • Steph

    I find being very specific with my requests is helpful. It’s not helpful for me to to gripe at my husband for not helping out in the mornings. It works out much better if I ask him to do specific things, such as getting extra bibs for the diaper bag or locating our toddler’s shoes.

  • Kim Wolfinbarger

    Although David Allen’s book “Getting Things Done” is a manual for personal productivity, I’ve found one of his tips to be a helpful alternative to nagging. Instead of telling my children what to do next, I ask them, “What’s the next step?”

    • Pauline

      Great tip! I love his book and it’s really worked for me, especially setting up projects with next action steps. I like your idea of applying that task focus when engaging with the children. Might work for the hubby too! LOL

  • MoneySavingEnthusiast

    These are great. I really like number 7. I think we all need reminders to stop nagging. LOL I really like number 8 too. Spending money is always helpful if it can make life easier.

  • http://www.online-business-virtual-assistant.com/ Virtual Business Assistant

    When i was in college i used to say with people who will not keep things and clothes as clean as i do. First i used to get very upset and then i talked to them and made them understand how much it is important to be hygienic and so they followed my tips and we had a great time togather.

  • http://twitter.com/joyuyeno Joy Uyeno

    My best friend leaves “thought bubbles” around the house, since her husband has a habit of leaving things in very odd places (think bowls in the garage, or a can of soup in the cabinet otherwise filled with glasses). Yesterday, he left a dishtowel in the sink. The thought bubble read: “How did I end up here? I think I got lost, because it’s wet in here and my whole job is to dry things. Haaaalp!” The towel, magically, was hanging up by the time she got home.

    • AnotherMom

      I love this! I am going to try it. Thanks for the idea!

      • JayelleMo

        Isn’t that just replacing nagging with passive aggression? 

        • Fi Newood

          and in the time it takes to write the note can’t you just move it yourself?

          • Louise

            Yeah, but that’s just pandering to the ‘if I stuff this up or leave it long enough someone else will do it’ crowd.  Bring on the passive aggression!  Eventually it might sink in.

  • Lynnel

    I was smiling over you (as an underbuyer) thinking your daughter doesn’t need a spring jacket whereas I was convinced my daughter totally needed the 2 rain slickers, 3 jean jackets, 3 fleeces, a jersey and a dressy lightweight khaki jacket (not including any zip sweatshirts) that my over-buying self got her for this spring! Yes, I need your de-clutter, don’t organize advice, so maybe my husband should be nagging me more!
    On another note, any happiness wisdom on how to nag someone about their health so they will listen? Or not nag…how to help someone change their eating, exercising and sleeping patterns so that their serious health problems will improve?

  • AnotherMom

    My problem with the last one is that my experience is that if I take on a chore – even just as a thing to get done because it is late – it magically becomes MY chore. This applies to things like getting the oil changed, or paying the insurance bill… And the last thing I need are MORE chores. It’s a conundrum.

  • Roxainaboxa

    I agree with the previous comment, from khs. We each take care of what we care about (and usually what we’re better at), and all is well. I clean the bathroom because I care more. Same with vacuuming/sweeping, dusting, and cleaning the kitchen sink and counters. He honestly doesn’t notice when those things need to be done (he doesn’t care), and thus he wouldn’t be as thorough, so I do them myself. (“If you want something done your way, do it yourself.” Exactly!)

    He takes out the trash and recycling because he’s in the habit of doing this, and I usually forget. We both do dishes, but I do them more often–so when he hasn’t done them in a while I usually ask him to. He’s willing to help with other things when I ask specifically–it took me a while to get in the habit of asking, but it’s true: he can’t read your mind. In a few circumstances, we’ve agreed to split responsibility, such as the kitty litter, an unpleasant daily task. We still do our own laundry. He’s a bit messier than I am when it comes to his side of the bed or office, but he keeps it on his side and I can happily ignore it. He’s also handy, and I am not, so he fixes leaks, repairs things, hangs things on walls, gets on the roof to get rid of moss, etc.

    He mows the lawn because he’s better at it, which is cool. I do the weed whacking, which I hate with a passion. I wish he’d do both, but he doesn’t think that’s fair, since they are both physical tasks that take a fair amount of time outside. Plus, it’s more likely both tasks get done when we share the responsibility. I think I’ll trade him and work on my mowing skills!

    Admittedly, for the longest time I felt our setup was unfair because it wasn’t exactly a 50/50 split of responsibility. But then we moved into a house, and his skills at fixing/repairing things came into play more often, as well as the lawn mowing, so it felt more balanced. We’ve also matured as a couple, and I ask for help more often (I used to never ask!), and he chips in more often and more willingly than before. Obviously every couple has to figure out what works best for them, and realize that it takes time, communication, and effort.

    • Sue

      warning: it’s still unfair. he’s picked things that he can do on his schedule and they don’t get immediately “undone” (repairs, lawn) … once you have kids, there’s no putting off of tasks. that’s why kids cause such stress on a marriage. there’s not only MORE work, there’s more must-be-done-NOW work. he STILL won’t want to do all that sweeping/dishes/vaccuming/etc that you do “because he doesn’t notice or care” but you won’t have time anymore. just a warning…

    • Mary Jane

      request for how much he will be willing to spend in having someone from the outside doing the ground works on outdoor areas to keep it neat for sake of appearance and saving on time then schedule the outdoor time as pleasant “connecting to roots” family event even perhaps leading up to barbecuing with friends and family then WAIT for it to sink in that you have good ideas which anyway he will think its his and then go on to the next step.

  • http://hubpages.com/_zi8l5y2aso3m/author/BlissfulWriter/latest/ Blissful Writer

    I would agree with the no-nagging rule. I would also add “no finger pointing” either (literally and figuratively speaking). Literally, it is very rude to point your finger at someone (as in that photo in the article). Figuratively speaking, when things go wrong, don’t blame (point the finger) at others. Things can go wrong and it is not their fault.

  • http://www.confabulicious.com Kim Bauer

    Nagging might be the single most destructive act in a relationship, and I am definitely guilty.

    The tips were insightful and very much appreciated. I will be trying them out–especially the “reframing” and “giving up timelines”.

    Kim
    http://www.confabulicious.com

  • Lamees

    A technique that really helps me stop nagging is: If, for instance, my husband has a habit of leaving dirty clothes in the bathroom or the bedroom. He rarely puts them in the laundry basket, this used to be a huge source of exasperation for me especially when I would run the machine and miss washing the five white clothes tucked away in the far corner of the bedroom. This would lead to naggings and bickerings. Then I came up with this thought that ‘why did i marry my husband ?’ answer: ‘because i love him and want to be with him forever (period)’ This is exactly why i married him NOT because I love him and want to be with him providing he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper! This thought immediately dissolves the negativity that leads to nagging. In fact, its so effective (if you add any situation to this phrase) that sometimes even really important things get neglected or not done because they do not seem important anymore. Who cares, the nagging has been reduced significantly and its so much easier to overlook his shortcomings just because they were not a part of the initial ‘marriage intention’. I hope he can view my shortcomings the same way.

    Hope it works for you too :)

    • Martha

      I so agree!  I started doing that a few years back (married for 27 yrs).  I would walk by the toilet and the seat would be up; instead of getting mad I would just smile, put the seat down and say that’s my BT (his nickname) gotta love him!  As soon as I smiled the anger went away.  His little quirks are part of him and I love him because of who he is.  Sidebar: I found self -closing toilet lids and now both my husband and my son both close the seat and lid since they only have to give it a nudge and it goes down slowly and quietly by it’s self:) The downside is if we go to friend’s homes they forget not everyone has that kind of seat!

  • Debleavy

    Unfortunately, most of these tips add up to “do it yourself.” Nagees try to avoid responsibility by doing a task badly, claiming ignorance or how to do it, letting it drag on forever, or “forgetting.” An honest discussion of who should be responsible for each task, reasons for the task, and reasonable expectations of how and when they should be accomplished can lead to a better relationship, rather than resentment.

  • http://susanmariekim.com/ Susan Kim

    I love #7 about no carping from the sidelines. It is so hard to go out with my friends that have kids (I have none) because they don’t trust their husbands to take care of their kids as well as they do. They micro-manage/nag their husbands about the tiniest little things on child-rearing. I told them, their spouses aren’t idiots, they can handle it. I wrote a post about it here: http://thebigbabydivide.blogspot.com/2010/05/moms-your-husbands-are-not-complete.html

    • blu-k

      I read a parenting expert who says ‘If your partner is doing something helpful with the kids, and isn’t endangering them in any way, then don’t say anything about the way they are doing it!!!’

      Very helpful advice, but sometimes hard to follow!

  • madisontrish

    My husband and I have been together for a decade and for a long time we seemed to nag each other about certain chores. About two or three years ago we had a long talk and decided that we needed to address the timetable issue–he wants things done immediately and I wait until there is a big enough load to do (dishes or laundry for example–see above #4). We try to have an equal partnership including the daily routine tasks so we came up with a system. I can’t stand to do the dishes and he was always stressed about the laundry being done. We decided that the best way to get the daily chores done was for my husband to do the dishes and I would do the laundry. If one of us gets overwhelmed with work or other projects the other partner will pitch in even if it isn’t our ‘task.’ This method has been working great and we don’t fight about it anymore. The other daily/weekly tasks get divided up by whoever gets to it first. We don’t have too many arguments about the other tasks because neither of us mind taking out the trash, vacuuming, etc.

    I also agree with Gretchen’s step # 9. If there is something that starts to irritate me about how my husband is doing a chore I will do it myself. I can’t say I’m always the best at doing this but I’ve been trying it for a few years now and it does seem to help. Taking a step back if I’m upset is the other key to keeping myself from fuming–often I’ll realize how stupid whatever it is I’m annoyed with is and move one. My husband and I also talk through things a lot–so if there’s something that’s bothering us we’ll try to work through it….even if it is just about not eating in front of the computer, etc.

  • Phrhyner

    Wow, re-frame!  What a concept!  Just a couple days ago, instead of yelling at my husband who is frequently glued to the computer to come to bed, I went over to him and gently said to him as I put my arms on his shoulders, “I’m looking forward to you coming to bed when you are finished here.”  So, I DO know how to do this.  Phyllis

  • http://buyvenaproreview.com Louann Chho

    Whenever I am tempted to nag, I think about my mother and how unpleasantly she treated my father and I am determined not to turn into her. She was a good example of what not to become.

  • http://www.kimkircher.com Kim Kircher

    Thanks for this great list. I’ve vowed never to nag, and usually I do a pretty good job simply by following your tip #9. But sometimes I nag my husband about calling his mother or fulfilling obligations that might somehow reflect poorly on me. The next step is for me to relinquish the need to be seen as perfect both as an individual and as a married couple.

  • Shaynasmart

    My partner doesn’t like doing certain chores and doesn’t think about doing them. So I bargain with her. If I do x, can I get a massage?  Things like that. And I totally agree with the clean kitchen. I like to cook, but I hate doing the dishes. However, it’s easier for me to just do it and get out of the way, so we have more time to spend on important things, as well as intimate things. 

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  • RCWhyley

     Nagging is such an unattractive habit and it’s certainly not productive–that certainly doesn’t stop me from boiling over at my husband sometimes! But, he’s about as good as they get, and I remind myself of that every day! He has his flaws (don’t we all), but he puts his clothes in the hamper,  helps clean up the house, including cat barf (old cat), goes to the grocery store (when my only excuse is that it’s cold outside, I’m at the gas station, I don’t have a coat and I’m freezing) he makes dinner, changes the bedsheets, was a total hands-on dad, changed many diapers and made many bottles, shopped for Mothers Day gifts, attended school plays and youth orchestra, does community service and is the family peace-maker, pumpkin-carver, a carpenter, I could go on…and by day he’s a telecom exec with a lot of pressure at work.  A super-man, indeed!

  • berry

    i am berry from uk i want to share my happiness with the general public of what DR cafai of africa has done for me in the last few weeks i was once in love this guy called mccatty we in love with each other until travelled out of my state for two year and we promise ourselve to be together forever, but before return from my journey he where now having another lover when i try to come back to he. He told me i should go away i love him so much that i could not let he go just like that then i told a friend about it and she advice me and recommend this man ogun for me when i visit he at cafaispiritualtemple@yahoo.com he only ask me to buy some items for sacrifices to help me get my ex back and he actualy did it and it work well and today i am happy with incase any one is out there with same problem or any kind i advice he or she to contact this man today at cafaispiritualtemple@yahoo.com and with what he did for me i belive he can also help you thank once again Dr cafai

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