My current emphasis: how to make good habits and break bad ones (really)

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Story: Don’t Let the Desire to Feel “Legitimate” Drive Your Decisions.

This week’s video story: Don’t let the desire to feel “legitimate” drive your decisions.

 

Ah, more words of wisdom from my sister, the sage.  She was so right. There I was, clerking for Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, and feeling very illegitimate in my work. So get over it, already!

If you’d like to read more about this, check out The Happiness Project, chapter three.  Or you might be interested in this talk I gave about the subject of “drift“–and how I pulled myself out of drift, and switched from law to writing.

Can’t see the video? Click here.

Find the archives of videos here.  More than 1.7 MILLION views. Don’t forget to subscribe.

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I'm deep in the writing of my next book, Before and After, about making and breaking habits, and there's nothing more satisfying than reading the success stories of people who have changed a habit. If you have a Before-and-After story of a habit you changed, and you're willing to share it here on the blog, please contact me here. Once a week, I'll post a story. We can all learn from each other.

What John Gregory Dunne Said on the Night Before He Died.

yearmagicalthinknigIn Joan Didion’s haunting memoir, The Year of Magical Thinking, she recounts her experiences in the year after her husband John Gregory Dunne died, and the year her daughter Quintana died.

She writes that the night Dunne died, or the night before:

“‘He said that his current piece in The New York Review, a review of Gavin Lambert’s biography of Natalie Wood, was worthless… Why did I waste time on a piece about Natalie Wood,’ he said.

It would be impossible to weigh every decision against the test: “If I die tomorrow, will I be glad I took the time to complete this task?” On the other hand, it’s a question worth keeping mind, always.

The days are long, but the years are short.

Sidenote: Look closely at the jacket of The Year of Magical Thinking. Notice anything? The word J O H N is spelled out in ghostly letters.

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“We Must Be Doing Something To Be Happy.”

william_hazlitt “To do any thing, to dig a hole in the ground, to plant a cabbage, to hit a mark, to move a shuttle, to work a pattern, –in a word, to attempt to produce any effect, and to succeed, has something in it that gratifies the love of power, and carries off the restless activity of the mind of man.  Indolence is a delightful but distressing state:  we must be doing something to be happy.”

–William Hazlitt, “On the Pleasure of Painting

In my First Splendid Truth, in which I lay out my own formula for how to be happy (!), I describe this as “the atmosphere of growth.” It took me a long time to grasp how this element fits into happiness, but once I understood it, I realized how crucial it is.

Agree, disagree?

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Secret of Adulthood: Keep It Simple–But Not Too Simple.

Further Secrets of Adulthood:

KeepItSimpleNotTooSimple_124792

 

I often have to remind myself of this Secret of Adulthood. I have a tendency to want to sweep everything away, to toss out, to throw everything overboard, in order to simplify my life. But, I remind myself, many of the things that make me happiest are things that complicate my life.

I tell myself: Somewhere, keep an empty shelf–but somewhere, keep a junk drawer. Keep it simple, but not too simple.

Sidenote: People often ask me, “Gretchen, do you really have an empty shelf?” Yes, I do! Want to see it? Watch this little behind-the-scenes video I made for Happier at Home. I had so much fun making it. The empty shelf is at 6:41.

Do you ever struggle with this — trying to keep things simple, yes, but also not too simple?

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“She Told Me What I Needed to Hear and I Was Ready to Listen.”

toryjohnsonHappiness interview: Tory Johnson.

I got to know Tory Johnson when I spoke at her conference for startups, Spark and Hustle. Tory has a crazy amount of energy, and in addition to running this series of conferences, she’s also an on-air contributor to Good Morning America, and a writer.

In this last role, she has just published a fascinating memoir, The Shift: How I Finally Lost Weight and Discovered a Happier Life, about how she changed her eating habits, and lost more than seventy pounds, by making what she calls “The Shift.” The book was especially interesting to me because she writes at length about how the change in her habits and in her weight affected her happiness. For a long time, she’d felt out of control and trapped by her inability to control her weight. Losing weight wouldn’t boost everyone’s happiness, but it had an enormous consequence for Tory’s happiness.

One of my chief interest is the question: What allows people to change? Why is it that sometimes, people can’t seem to change, no matter how much they want to, and other times, they can change? (Hint: this is the subject of my next book!) For Tory, a single conversation with a colleague ignited “the shift” that allowed her to make a change that she’d wanted for a very long time.

Gretchen: In the last year, you’ve experienced what you call “The Shift.” What happened?

Tory: Eighteen months ago, Barbara Fedida, one of my bosses, told me my clothes didn’t do me justice and she wanted to send me to a stylist. Barbara is the highest-ranking woman executive at ABC News and I am an on-air contributor for Good Morning America. She never used the words “fat, diet or obesity” but her message was clear: I needed to lose weight. Let’s face it: on TV looks matter. I took her words to mean “lose weight or lose your job,” even though to this day she insists my role was never in jeopardy.

Barbara changed my life. I think she actually saved my life. She stopped me from continuing on an unhealthy path both mentally and physically and for that I will be forever grateful to her. That’s why I dedicated The Shift, my new book about how I lost 62 pounds in one year, to her. She told me what I needed to hear and I was ready to listen. In a nutshell, what I learned was that what I put in my head is much more powerful than what I put in my mouth. I changed my mind for a better life.  Now, with this book, I’m on a mission to share that message and more with others who have battled their weight for years and are finally ready to do something about it once and for all. If I can do it, anyone can.

What simple activities consistently make you happier?

Walking daily in Central Park, I notice something different every time. It might be a squirrel, a plant variety, details in the surrounding skyline or a cool sneaker color. I walk the same loop every time, but the scene is always refreshingly different and never fails to make me smile.  I return home energized and happy.

And as a girl who’s been fat forever, who was tortured by gym teachers, I never imagined that voluntarily going to the gym would make me happy. That was something I’d avoid at all costs and have for most of my life. Now it’s among my favorites activities of the week – a chance to think about nothing but pushing myself to be my very best.  I always leave happy.  Imagine that.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

That it’s not a given, nor is it owed to me by the world. Happiness is a deliberate choice, one that only I can make for myself.  If I want to feel the joys of happiness, I must choose to be happy—and I do.

Is there anything you found yourself doing repeatedly that got in the way of your happiness?

Until I embarked on The Shift, I didn’t realize just how much being overweight distracted from my greater happiness. I was by no means unhappy on any given day, but once I began to lose weight and take control of my body, I began to reflect on many of the unhappy choices I felt forced to make because of my weight. Those choices range from my fashion limitations, which led me to wear a navy suit instead of white gown on my wedding day, to more serious issues like avoiding all doctors for more than a decade because I didn’t want to hear the inevitable lecture about my size. Losing weight freed me to focus on the stuff that makes me happy, from petty to serious, rather than settling for blah.  Now my happiness is increased from simple stuff like having an abundance of clothing choices to much more important things like hearing my doctor say everything looks great and I’m healthy.

Is there a happiness mantra or motto that speaks to you?

“There is no cavalry. No one is coming. It’s up to me.”  The people I’m surrounded by give me great joy and happiness, but I always remind myself that I can’t rely on them or others to create my happiness. It’s up to me to find joy in them, to find joy in myself and to look for opportunities to turn the mirror on myself rather than blaming others.

Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?

In the last 18 months I’ve experienced both: I’ve had valleys where I’m upset that I wasted so much time being fat, then tall peaks when I’m the most content girl on Earth for discovering a greater sense of happiness by focusing on truly striving for my best, which includes pursuing and living a healthy lifestyle.  Keeping those moments of unhappiness top of mind — not in a way that dominates my thoughts, but as simple reminders — prevents me from slipping back into bad habits and downers.

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